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Ever since I first moved to the UK, and fell, landing on my face, knocking my front tooth askew (and not out, mind, because of the wires from my braces that are doing a top-notch job of holding my teeth in place) and had to have an emergency root canal at the emergency dentist who told me it would be black until I got seen to back in Canada because there was no bleach or whatever it is they use in the entire county, I have long since looked down upon other people’s emergency dentistry tales.

I feel that this trauma allows me to out-do anyone in my family with their tales of dental woe.

However, it would seem that The Mom no longer recalls this – or the many other root canals I’ve had. In many physical ways, I lost the genetic lottery at birth. I mean, the brain’s alright – for now – but the rest of the body, jeez, not a good scene.

Evidence of her lack of recall about my many, many dental woes was displayed in a panicked and poorly spelled email out of Mexico. I have lost a crown, she typed. There was some other business around that but I couldn’t tell if it was her typing, her iPad playing up, or that she’d been drinking.

Now, I don’t know if I’ve ever had a crown to lose (I assume so since most dental related things that can go wrong have taken place in my mouth) but I assume it’s inconvenient and not actually that painful.

When I read her further plea to L’il Sis to phone the dentist immediately and get an appointment, I admit, I scoffed.

Please, I said to her I my mind. Nothing on my pirate tooth, and certainly not a patch on the retainer you made me wear as part of my orthodontics that was so painful, when it came time for the other two to get braces they flat-out refused. And they had actual gaps in their teeth. This bit of orthodontic nightmare was a retainer of sorts that was cemented into my mouth to make my palette bigger – yes, my mouth was not quite big enough. So The Mom, one summer, had to crank the torture device open each and every day. I ate nothing but frozen tofu that summer. How she does not recall the agony I suffered is unbelievable.

But anyhow, back to her crown. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic (I am, a bit, she’s fine, so…) it’s that her reaction, and series of panicked emails was at the level that I might send if I was say, in hospital, recovering from an emergency double bypass. And even then the email would probably start with, I’m fine, but funny story…

That said, The Mom is a stranger to medical problems and this is becoming increasingly problematic as, with age, comes more trips to the doctor. L’il Sis and I are no stranger to this sort of thing, having been harbouring ill-health since we were small.

And in fairness, of al the places to have some kind of minor ailment, I should think a beautiful resort in sunny, warm, gorgeous Mexico ranks well.

Once she was back in Canada, and had had her tooth sorted out, there were a few emails bemoaning the inconvenience, the stress, and expense. The only thing I could reasonably relate to was the cost. I mean, there’s a reason I don’t go to the dentist that often – and when I do, I’m only doing it because the exchange rate happens to be excellent or at least decent.

L’il Sis and Crazy D do not seem to have these problems with their teeth. Though I would not wish the problems of my teeth on anyone – whenever I go to the dentist before we get started I usually suggest yanking them all out and replacing them with wood, or perhaps a gold grille. I’ve always half-fancied that. I’m fairly nondescript in my appearance and I think a gold grille would really get me the respect I deserve. It would also keep all but the extremely hardy at bay which would come in quite handy. Though, inevitably there would be some issue around polishing them, and keeping them nice.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like these bodies we all have are really holding us back. And I long for the day when I can be a bit Pinky and the Brain. Just a brain, maybe some glasses, in a jar. So much less maintenance that way. Obviously there would be downsides but still… Normally when I suggest either of these plainly expensive and slightly absurd ideas to The Mom she rolls her eyes but after the crown incident, I think she may see where I’m going with this.

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