, , ,

If ever any of my siblings pays The Mom a visit and also goes into the basement for some heavy-duty Stuff Removal, I inevitably hear about it. The email is usually overloaded with exclamation marks. I have long since stopped taking this is a personal slight. I would happily remove my stuff from her basement but it just doesn’t feel cost effective at the moment. With Brexit and the whole ‘immigrants are bad’ vibe going around, I don’t trust the Home Office as far as I can throw them and would hate to have put my stuff on the slow boat (which can take up to two months to arrive) only for me to have to go home because my visa expires.

That and since I rent here, and move frequently, I can’t be dragging my furniture around with me – no matter how much I want to. Imagine me turning up to a flatshare in London with china for twelve, a sofa, two club chairs, and a room full of books. I’d be kicked out immediately.

Anyhow, The Mom was boasting to me about these mysterious tools she’s found in the depths of the basement, which got me to thinking. I’m actually starting to wonder if other people are sneaking into the house when she’s asleep and leaving their shit there.

It’s completely plausible. Half the neighbourhood has keys to her house. And half the time time all the doors aren’t locked. So there’s really not much at all keeping people out – except their own good sense. I think of it as reverse engineered stealing.

Imagine if your wife or husband finally happens upon those boxes of stuff you’ve been dragging around in some kind of strange cleaning bender. They will confront you and you will be forced to deal with this stuff, and by deal with what I think we all know I mean is get rid of it.

You could try putting it in the garage or shed, but let’s face it: if your partner found it in the basement, chances are he or she will be keeping a close eye on other potential hoarding areas.

So finding a basement where you could keep your stuff and it would go unnoticed is actually perfect. You would know your stuff if safe because after looking at The Mom’s basement you’d feel certain no one goes down there much and nothing much is disturbed. You could come and visit it now and again after some rudimentary consideration of The Mom’s habits and patterns.

Essentially, you could keep your stuff and your marriage would be fine, in fact, you might even earn Brownie points from your spouse for being so good as to remove your weird shit without a fuss.

Actually, perhaps The Mom could start a side-business. Something between a safety deposit box and self-storage. You’d be allocated a spot, she would not be held responsible for flooding or whatever else, force major stuff, and you would be given say five days a year in which to come over and play with whatever it was you left downstairs.

And then, in the event that The Mom moves, if you couldn’t fess up to your partner and take possession of your stuff, it would go out in the garage sale, and you could just buy it back for a token amount of money.

I might suggest this to her. It would be ideal really. She’d get to meet all sorts of randoms (which she loves) and she’s have a bit of intrigue to keep her going through the long winter.