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The Mom has this nearly correct, except why would I do the shit-cakes on Christmas Eve? That is obviously a foolish and not as much fun plan. Much better is to fill the time between waking on Christmas Day and eating turkey for dinner.

This time at ours is generally filled with napping, bothering other people, or walking a dog. We can walk the dog first and fast (he doesn’t care for the cold) and then set about making the shit cakes.

This also has the benefit of providing many unforeseen challenges. Such as:

The Mom sets the table for dinner the minute breakfast is over. She has always done this and no one has yet to really understand why. Because inevitably someone will want to sit at the table and eat crackers whilst enjoying some screen time. This necessitates moving the plates out of the way which, when she sees it, will cause The Mom to go slightly apoplectic.

The second challenge and one I think we can really make the most of is that all the shops will be closed. A lack of preparedness (which is generally how we roll) will be thwarted completely, and call for creative interventions.

Personally, I think it’s got everything we need as far as an afternoon activity goes. Because sitting around watching TV is no fun, and also since Crazy D ‘fixed’ the downstairs TV it doesn’t work right and so if you want to watch TV you have to do it in The Mom’s nest which is doubly awkward when she decides she wants to have a nap. And we all get a bit antsy in the afternoon, from being cooped up in the house all day, drinking, and snacking our way through to the big dinner.

But a project such as this surely has high chances of success!

The Mom mentions that the shit cakes are going to be tricky. What she means is that it’s not going to go smoothly in a Martha Stewart kind of way. Which is really the fun bit.

Imagine? All those misshapen shit cakes piling up. I suspect she’s embarrassed and wants in no way to have to explain this to her boyfriend who will probably not understand why we’re having so much fun doing it.

The shit cakes are quite simple looking: they’re like the little poop emoji. A swirl of faeces with a happy little face. I’m even thinking we could dress them up a bit for the festive season with some red and green sparkles. I mean, if you can take a tablet so you shit sparkles (literally, this is a thing) then why not have sparkles on our wee cakes?

The trickiest thing is going to be getting the swirl right. It’s like that ice cream you get from a van. Which means we’re also going to have to make the icing ourselves, which probably L’il Sis can do but I know I cannot.

Either way, I think it’ll be fun. And anyhow I don’t know what else she expects me to do. I left my fish mould there for future winter fun (you may recall a couple of years back I made coloured frozen fish for the neighbours’ lawn and they adored it) and I believe The Mom’s thrown it away.

And anyhow, as much as The Mom complains about this, we all know she finds it hilarious. Look on the plus side: I could’ve said we had to make the partridge in a pear tree extravaganza (yes, a partridge in a pear tree made entirely of cupcakes – in the book it’s extremely realistic) and we all know that would’ve ended quite badly indeed.

What will we do if the shit cakes don’t turn out right? Thankfully, my Crohn’s disease will come in handy here. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the Bristol Stool Scale, but there is a RANGE of very realistic work we can do here, and it’ll be informative too!