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I am feeling a bit nervy these days. Actually anytime anyone from the Home Office starts talking, particularly about immigration reforms, every immigrant, ex-pat, or other foreigner I know shudders. It’s Pavlovian at this point. You can imagine how much worse it is when you consider that the current PM used to be in charge of the Home Office. In many ways, I have it a million times easier than other immigrants, but still my residency is not yet assured. However, it’s important to try and look on the bright side of Brexit.

Which for me, for one glorious afternoon, was a spat between Tesco and Unilever.

Now, for those who may not have had the horror of shopping in a Tesco, in particular the Haggerston Tesco in east London which was so bad it had its own hashtag, let me just tell you this: it was unimaginably appalling. The food – if there was any – was frequently rotten. I don’t mean, like, bruised or funny looking, I mean like rotting. The doors to the ‘chillers’ were always left open – some you couldn’t even close – and the cages they used to bring stuff in were always to be found blocking the aisles.

Even The Mom is familiar with my frequent rants about the terribleness of Tesco. So much so that on her recent visit she scowled at my local Tesco as we went past.

Anyhow, the Brexit-related issue was that some Tesco shops had run out of Marmite and Unilever was refusing to top them up until they’d agreed on a bit of a price increase. For me, this is a pretty strong indication of where we’re headed with Brexit. We’re going to spend ages and ages squabbling over not insignificant but small things, whilst missing the bigger picture, which in this case was the fact that the pound has essentially thrown itself off the White Cliffs of Dover.

It makes me feel as though I’m living on an island of near-sighted pedants. Which I should’ve already known given the griping about how the EU rules were controlling our bananas pre-referendum. Nevermind the fact that I think of bananas as the fruit that hasn’t lived up to its potential, but if you’re seriously thinking about wanting bananas to be free of rules and using that to in any way inform your thoughts about whether the UK should leave Europe then I don’t know, I feel like you’re missing the point. Because banana rules are not the same as soverignty, and the pound doing a nose dive is not the same as controlling immigration – though it might end up doing just that, I mean why would people want to come here and earn sterling when it’s worth the same (on a good day) or less than the euro?

But yes, Marmite. The internet and news people were beside themselves with the sort of hysteria I normally associate with The Mom. It was as though they, like us, had grown tired of how terrifying the news has been of late, and were quite happy to blether on about Marmite for a wee while.

When I told The Mom about this, and followed it up by mentioning that apparently Brexit is mostly masculine, except in Italian where it’s feminine, and she looked so completely bewildered by this information I swear I wouldn’t have been surprised if she thought I was high.

I suspect that’s going to be happening a lot more, the deeper into Brexit we get.

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