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So it was the other day that I was forced to make a very embarrassing phone call. I hesitate to use the phone at the best of times, and even at the worst, so the very fact that I didn’t email or text should offer some indication of how desperate the circumstances were.

Oh, and they were desperate. My heart was racing (my heart rate is normally so low you’d be forgiven for thinking I live in a permanent comatose state). And I was unable to control my thoughts.

I did the only sensible thing given the situation: I locked myself in the front hall. With my laptop, obviously.

Yes. These are things that I did recently in reaction to a thing I saw at the very top of my flat. My flat is a studio loft-type thing, double height ceilings all open plan. Which normally is lovely, but not if you’re trying to protect yourself from hideousness. And by hideousness I mean a MASSIVE big moth that was asleep near the top curtain rail.

Here in the UK, there aren’t screens on the windows. I’ve never figured out why this is, but since summer here isn’t much like summer at home (as in, it’s never really that hot for that long, so not having screens isn’t such a big deal, your windows are never open for that long). And anyhow, there don’t seem to be so many mosquitos, and the ones there are don’t appear to have anything catching. Whatever the reason there are no screens on the windows here. And I’ve managed to be kind of okay with that. I don’t like the flies in the house, but you know, they’re just flies.

But I have balcony doors, and my balcony overlooks a river, so I’ve been kind of worried that Something Big might get in – like a bat, say, or a very lost other type of flying creature. I’d be okay with a bird (in fact, I’d be delighted if an owl just randomly turned up in my flat). But the bat possibility is not good. So usually I don’t keep the doors open at night and sweat through the warm. I’ve decided – for no reason – that bats couldn’t possibly get in through the windows. I don’t know how I’ve come to that decision but it’s currently listed as a fact in my head so let’s just leave well enough alone.

I had not considered a moth. Even just typing the word is giving me the heebie-jeebies.

The thing about moths is that they have hairy legs and hairy abdomens and flap about. And if you crushed it with a shoe it would make a horrible crunching noise. I would never recover from this noise and I would never un-hear it.

And the thing about having a massive big moth asleep on my curtain rail is that it could wake up AT ANY MOMENT and start flapping around the flat trying to get out whilst I am also flapping around the flat desperate for it to get out but about as useful as the moth is at doing it. It would be – to anyone watching – a flapping farce, which would no doubt end in me passing out in a panic attack.

In order to avoid that happening I had to use the telephone and sheepishly phone my friend’s husband. And ask him to come over and deal with the big mean bug thing.

Which he did – bless him – without any further questions. He didn’t even leave his dear wife a note he came over so quickly.

Now, as to my mental state of affairs: I was tired and a little bit rough around the edges. Tired and emotional due to having drunk rather a bit too much beer the evening before, whilst also neglecting to eat perhaps as much as I ought to have done. I have been worse, and I have been better.

I am also someone who wears glasses and rarely looks further than the laptop. I was looking a good four or five metres up.

My friend’s husband arrived and took charge of the situation with calmness and aplomb. At once he suggested we open the curtains. Mr. Moth did not appear disturbed.

Up we went to the sleeping loft where we got a better view. Of the moth. Which was actually frayed curtain fabric. And not at all a moth.

We laughed. What else could we do?

Later, his wife sent me a text saying, LOL… and I can’t believe there’s no moth emoji.

And her husband added that he was rather proud to be in charge of sorting out my imaginary bugs, and that I should not hesitate to call upon him for any future imaginary bug removal needs that I have.

We’ve not been friends for too long and I don’t think he quite understands the extent of my imagination.

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