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First let me say that The Mom has misinterpreted the effect I am trying to achieve with my new specs. When I presented myself at L’il Sis’ optometrist’s office, and she asked me what kind of glasses I might like, I had two criteria: one, I was keen on having wooden frames, just because it seemed neat, and two, that the frames be as aggressive as possible.

I wanted glasses that spoke to a serious need to see things, frames that would stand out, and make my small, somewhat frail frame appear to be larger than life, and let people know I was not someone to be messed about.

The glasses L’il Sis chose for me are just that. They are large, owlish, and strong. Nothing dainty for me. That would be too much contrast. There was a second pair in contention, and L’il Sis nearly had me convinced that I ought to get two pairs, but as I drove home to The Mom’s it seemed the height of decadence, even with the exchange rate working in my favour. So the second pair, which were deemed to be slightly more feminine and less angry, were left at the shop.

The ones I did buy are great. I get a lot of compliments, and these I can only pass on to L’il Sis as I had very little to do with choosing them. In fact, L’il Sis went so far as to not even let me look in the mirror until she’s whittled the selection down to a few different frames. She knows what I’m like, and that if faced with too much choice, I’ll just freak out and decide I don’t want whatever it was I was trying to get.

Now, I should also mention that it is a well known fact amongst my siblings and I, that The Mom should not be doing much in the way of after dark driving. Due to the fact that it’s unclear how well she sees. In fact, when I was in residence, and she and I wanted to go to the movies after dark, we didn’t dare tell anyone else what we were up to, for fear of having the car keys taken away from us, as my sight in the dark is terrible. I mean, I can see things, it’s just that I’m not entirely certain how far away they are from me at any given time. Not so much of a problem if one is just shuffling around the block attached to a dog, a bit more of an issue if one is trying to pilot The Mom’s large SUV thing home without doing any damage.

In fact, I recall one particular outing when The Mom had decided we were going to the movies regardless of how I felt about it. I had been languishing on the couch and in bed for months, sick with a Crohn’s flare and feeling up to nothing at all. That Bradly Cooper film where he’s a writer and then takes a magic pill that turns him into a super-powered genius was playing and The Mom thought it might be cheering. Off we went. I don’t know why, but I was put in charge of driving us home. When I’m at home, normally The Mom does all the driving. Or actually, anyone but me does the driving. I mean, if there’s a dog around who looks like it might have a modicum of luck driving, the dog drives before I’m asked to.

Anyhow, there we were, feeling buoyed by the film, driving home. I managed to navigate us out of the parking lot (that sort of thing I’m pretty good at, it’s like driving in the city which is one of my better skills, as I appear to possess a very high degree of spatial awareness with regards to the car, where anything else is, that’s not within a metre’s proximity, I’m hopeless). So we got out of the parking lot and were on our way home. I was driving through the well-lit streets, which was fine and well, until we got to the short bit of road that’s about five minutes from The Mom’s house. It’s a bit of a country lane still in some ways, mostly that it’s not well-lit. I know this stretch of road like the back of my hand. But The Mom and I were regaling each other with fairly silly tales, and as such we were in fits of hysterics, laughing at ourselves. Not good when driving. I need to retain focus.

I managed to negotiate the country lane bit well enough, mentioning only a couple of times that I wasn’t entirely certain what was in front of us, but as we were going straight on, it didn’t seem problematic. It was when we came to the turn off for The Mom’s neighbourhood that things took a bit of a worrying turn.

There were cars up ahead, in the opposite lane. I could see their lights. I leaned forward and squinted into the night, as I waited for a moment to make a left turn.

“How far away does that car seem to you?” I remember asking The Mom.

She, too, squinted forward.

“Looks close,” she assessed.

“Does it though?” I replied turning the car a bit more to the left. “I think I can make it,” I announced.

Before hitting the gas rather too aggressively, screeching the tires, and ploughing into the neighbourhood.

“That wasn’t so bad,” I announced when we came to the stop sign.

“I think you may have nearly just killed us,” The Mom said, calmly.

“Really? Do you think the car was that close?”

She nodded sagely.

“Oh well, “ I said. “We made it, that’s what counts.”

And we both erupted again into fits of laughter.

“Best not tell the others about this,” The Mom said.

“Agreed. They find out and that’s it, we’ll be under house arrest in a minute.”

So I’m quite pleased to learn that L’il Sis has outfitted The Mom with some new specs that might help her navigate the darkened roads. If for no other reason than I spent my Aeroplan miles on movie vouchers. If we can’t go out in the car at night, they won’t do us much good!

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