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I know that Autocorrect is trying to help me and sometimes it does. There are a fair few words I cannot reasonably be depended upon to know how to spell – in fact, my spelling is atrocious. (Autocorrect has just corrected that last word.) Time was, my spelling was The Mom’s problem, but seeing as how I’m nearly 40 years of age now, have a PhD in freaking writing, and am often tasked with proofreading at work, I can see how this is no longer the best solution. And Autocorrect often gets me out of some embarrassing situations. Like my inability to spell embarrassing. I just can’t seem to keep track of doubled up letters well. Other times, I just don’t agree with the way the letters in a word are organised. If I’d been consulted, I’d have done things differently.

But there are some times when I actually do want to spell the word my own damned way. And since Autocorrect lurks in every programme, this is becoming increasingly difficult. I have, as The Mom rightly points out, my own syntax. It has evolved over time and I’m quite fond of it. I like to do a bit of tinternetting of an afternoon, and when home, enjoy eating a slice of keese-chake with Crazy D (it’s what we call cheesecake, I don’t know why). I also like to do a bit of creative cursing and Autocorrect cannot abide any of this.

What really bothers me is when I don’t notice any of this is happening and just happen to read my email back after having hit send. It’s only then that I realise it corrected all my fun words and then had the nerve to correct the ones I spelled wrong but totally misjudged what I wanted to say.

I am often at odds with technology. Sometimes I like that I can just click away and have my needs met if not instantly than certainly faster than before, but Autocorrect really takes the fun out of things.

I like telling The Mom that I’ve had to ensure meetings with fucktards and fuckwits. I don’t want autocorrect to try and separate those into two different words when plainly they’re meant to be together. And I don’t understand how it managed to know – or think it knows – some fairly obscure words, but then can’t parse it when I write sometimes wrong.

It’s especially irksome when I’m enraged by something and the key thing I’m trying to convey to The Mom is corrected – it just tones down the whole thing and it’s important that she know I’ve been wronged or irritated or lost all patience with whatever it is that’s driving me nuts.

I’ve managed to turn it off on my phone, which is nice, except I suspect when you’re on the receiving end of a text message from me. I type as quickly as I talk – which is fast – but my accuracy rate is terrible. And why, in passing, does Autocorrect think I always want to make things plural? Except when I do and then it decides we’re going to use the past tense??

There was a time, a few generations of phone ago, when the first thing you had to do when you got a new one was teach it to swear. It was a time-consuming and painful way to spend an afternoon, but once you taught the stupid thing how to swear you were good. And who is Autocorrect to judge when cunt should have an ‘ing’ and the end of it? and no, I did not mean cunning. Because if I’m putting a gerund on things, it’s usually a nice stream of hateful vitriol that would make a sailor proud.

I’m completely over all this helpful technology. Utterly. It’s not helpful. It’s a hindrance. And it provides a false sense of security. Because Autocorrect is always correcting me – sitting there, lurking in a corner, peering over my shoulder, tut-tutting away at my stupidity and poor typing skills – i feel that I do not need to read my work back before sending it off. I am particularly bad with this and emails. I cannot count the number of emails I’ve sent to The Mom and when, not understanding her reply, I read back when I originally sent, and then understand. When my spelling goes totally free form Autocorrect gives up. It’s not helpful if you’re focusing on communicating something, but if you want to break Autocorrect, it’s really soothing to know that’s possible.

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