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In all fairness, I’ve never before asked any of the pets for advice on my fashion choices. But then, I very rarely have to go anywhere where I need to be properly glammed up. Preferring instead, of course, to go to places where Birkenclogs and jeans are just fine. In some cases, I will throw on a frock but always with cowboy boots.

But I understand that the more glamourous members of my family jump at the chance to put on their finery and go out in the world.

Though, I do find it strange – even by our standards – that the dogs were given final say on any choices. I mean, sure, they wear outfits, but these are generally perfunctory.

The Pig has several winter outfits and costumes in her wardrobe – Halloween’s Wonder Woman costume is a stand-out look, and the Sherlock Hound L’il Sis made for Wilbur, himself also a beagle, though dearly departed, was a complete hit when I took him on a tour of downtown Toronto, people stopping to comment and speak to the hound himself. However, The Pig’s look generally runs towards warm and slightly oversized. She can rock one of my old wool jumpers that has had a run-in with the wash, but it’s not like she’s got diamonds and a frock hidden in her cupboard somewhere. I say that, but I can’t be sure. I wouldn’t be surprised if The Mom accidentally bought her something in a prom dress – you know, satin, lots of ruffles. Or maybe something a bit more sophisticated, a little black dress for hounds. Honestly, when I get home for Christmas I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash if I was greeted at the door by The Pig in a Christmas outfit.

I don’t know when this happened. When we started dressing the pets – or at least the dogs as the parakeet wasn’t having any of it, though that could’ve been down to character. If he’d been a human, Newton would’ve been the kind of chap to answer the door in his underpants on a good day. Clothes would’ve just held him back.

What I find particularly odd about believing the dogs were providing advice on garments and the general look L’il Sis was rocking of the evening is that, these are creatures who eat their own poo and don’t wash for months on end. They dress like working farmers – no offence to farmers, but you know, it’s a practical look.

But then again, I suppose it all goes back to the family hierarchy. Dogs and other assorted pets are always, will always, and have always been at the top. We bow to them, we entertain them, feed them, cook for them, sleep with them and will do anything they ask or don’t ask for. Because they provide unrequited, unhindered, joyous adoration. They love us, no questions asked.

Secretly, though, I suspect that The Pig would’ve poo-pooed L’il Sis’ outfit just to ensure she didn’t go out without her. Though I’m sure The Pig would’ve been the best arm candy going — at this party or any other.

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