We don’t have the same brand of idiot-coffee pods over here, but there is a similar product being marketed and advertised by none other than George Clooney, which has significantly reduced my respect for an otherwise seemingly clever and good-hearted chap.
I am, The Mom is correct, a bit precise when it comes to coffee. I don’t, in actual fact, have a favourite brand, it’s just that I regularly buy the same brand as it’s generally the least expensive of the good espressos that one can find in a supermarket.
There is, somewhere in London, Regent’s Street I suspect, an entire store devoted to the George Clooney coffee pods and their attendant machines. One can go in and sample the coffee. I have not. So, I suppose one could point out that I can’t criticise what I’ve not tried, however that will not stop me.
These coffee pods are a menace. They are for people who do not understand and do not want to understand coffee. I don’t mean to the hipster level of fetishisation, as in ‘oh it’s the Kona coffee picked only when the mists have settled over that region of Hawaii’, or the other freakishly expensive coffee that comes from the bums of bugs and their poo. I just mean a decent coffee.
When we were teenagers, we hung out at a coffee shop called Acid Sweetness. The owner sometimes helped me with my homework when I was skiving off of school. And he did me a great favour: he taught me how to drink coffee properly, like a normal, decent person. He took away the sugar and milk that I’d been pouring into the coffee and informed me that if I was to continue spending a ridiculous amount of time in his cafe, that I would have to learn to drink real coffee. Which was bitter and dark and lovely.
Took me about two cups to get used to it and understand what I’d been missing. There are some people who do not care for coffee and that is fine, they can have tea or water or juice. I don’t care. But I will not tolerate this affront to coffee that is these pre-measured little pods of stupidity.
They are the same as alco-pops and for that matter my stance is thus: if you can’t tolerate the taste of the alcohol/coffee then don’t bloody well drink it. And stop messing it up for the rest of us.
And also, unless you have recently had both arms removed and your nearest neighbour is more than twenty miles away, grow up, and learn how to make a coffee. It involves slightly more effort than pressing a button, but it’s worth it. Also, did I mention, you’re an adult? Or at least allowed out of the house on your own?
Everything it seems these days is wrapped five times in plastic, than another protective layer and comes with its own handy something or other so that we don’t have to waste any more of our precious time. Really? Because the Buzzfeed articles and Facebook can’t wait? Really?
That is seriously weak. It’s like these adverts I see all the time now for this aggregate take away service here: Don’t cook, just eat. Because, what? Are we practising for decrepitude? If we learned how to do actual things again, we wouldn’t need to do so much Sudoku or Brain Training games. Which would also cancel out another of my least favourite industries, the Train Your Brain industry. You know how to really train your brain? Go to the library. Start at A. Call me when you get to Z. You’re brain will be an elite athlete by then.
It all comes down to what I’m thinking of as a massive societal laziness. And when The End Times come, and we pass peak oil, and nobody can do anything anymore and we can’t remember how to do anything for ourselves because the computers and tinternet have all gone dark, we’ll be well and truly screwed.
I, however, will be drinking a very nice coffee made with my inexpensive Italian espresso maker that can make me a decent coffee even over an open fire. Growing the beans however…