, , ,

It’s hard to say where this cut the bread on an angle thing started. It’s a chicken and the egg story if ever there was one. The Mom literally cannot cut a slice of bread in the traditional, customary way. This could be because of something that’s not wired right in her brain, but it could also be due to the decrepit knife she insists on using. It’s a bread knife, or at least, whenever she bought it, which judging by it’s sorry condition must’ve been sometime during the Nixon administration, and you know how bread knives are generally referred to as serrated? This one isn’t. Not anymore.

It aspires to once again have its ridges back but trust me, that is not happening.

A few years ago, The Mom had had enough of the mocking and ridiculing regarding the disasterous state of her knives. So she went out and boght two whole new sets. Sort of. She bought lots of small knives and a couple that looked like they might be good for a big of chopping. Mostly though they were peelers. There was no bread knife in sight. Now, the thing is that The Mom bought these knives for everyone but herself because she doesn’t think there’s anything strange about using a fish filetting knife to cut anything and everything. And to a certain degree you can see her logic as that’s the only knife that will cut anything in the entire house. However, when someone who is not used to The Mom’s knife collection, it makes things tricky. But anyhow.

That bread knife is basically a family heirloom now: it’s old and doens’t work right. And I think that Crazy D believeing it’s a perfectly fine knife is the last nail in the coffin. this is a man who will ride 120 miles in sleet at high altitudes with nothing but a sleeping bag, three Twix bars and hope. Of sound mind and body? No. Which puts him out of the running for someone able to judge a knife’s efficacy.

However, none of this explains why The Mom insists on cutting bread at a 45 degree angle. It took ages for us to realise this is not how people cut bread and since we couldn’t eat sliced bread, we didn’t know that most people think bread is fairly uniform in size and shape.

The Mom will approach a fresh loaf of bread and you’ll be able to see the excitement in her eyes. Who doesn’t love a slice of freshly baked bread? She will grasp the dull unserrated knife and begin hacking away at the loaf until she carves off an uneven, crumbling mess of a slice and happily eats it. In fairness, the butchery she inflicts on the bread does nothing to relieve it of its tastinetss. But the jaunty angle is still there. So if you anted to do something conventional, like, oh, I don’t know, say make a sandwich that does not scream to anyone who sees you eat it that you have dire and serious mental health issues, you have to first straighten the loaf out. But having only the wretched knife with which to do that, it usually takes a couple of tries. And at that point, someone else, usually The Mom will have heard you cursing and screaming at the bread as you have at it with the dull knife. Whereupon she will appear in the kitchen and shout at you for ruining a perfectly good loaf of bread.

You will, of course, be reduced to tears at that point and swear off bread and all other laof-shaped foods for life. Which leaves The Mom with the entire loaf of bread to herself which may have been her ultiamte goal.