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It’s called “Where In The World is Crazy D?” I’ve been a fan of the Today show for years. One of my favorite segments is the yearly “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” one. The television audience is given clues to see if they can guess what country he is in. I have never once guessed correctly. Never mind. Now I can play the same game with Crazy D. The problem is, the clues are even more obscure and my chances of guessing his whereabouts as he travels the globe for the reality show he’s working on are poor to nil.

The first clue was “The plane landed…now we go by land transport.” What does he mean ‘land transport’? Given his history, I’m pretty sure it’s not a stretch limo with air con and a bar. It could be dog sled, broken-down, smoke-belching bus with passengers hanging out the windows, tuk tuk, camel, elephant, bicycle. This brings up all sorts of possibilities and questions, not to mention hazards. He is allergic to certain animals so really furry dogs (like huskies) pose a problem. He’d likely be okay with a Chinese Crested hairless but last time I checked, they weren’t sled dogs or emotionally predisposed to carrying heavy loads. Elephants could be a problem too. Crazy D and Gill once kind of fell off an elephant ride at Marineland in California. Totally their father’s fault…but I think Crazy D still has emotional scars from that one. So I don’t think, no matter how his job depended on it, he’d mount a pachyderm again. Seeing some of the small motorized or pedal-driven vehicles pounding through potholes in small villages in the Far East, all I can say is it’s a good thing he’s not planning on having children. And marching through a jungle where there are all manner of deadly bugs is taunting nature for this guy who is allergic to wasp stings. Now, if they provide him with a bike, he’ll be laughing his way up mountains and through jungles,as he did in Rwanda, happy as a ‘pig in shit’, as my father would have said. And, judging by the nature of reality shows, I’m sure there will be no shortage of shit.

I have been following the search for the missing Malaysian plane  and am tempted to use similar technical gadgets to track Crazy D. Of course we’ve seen how well that worked out with the plane. But you never know, perhaps there’s a satellite somewhere that has seen Crazy D. as a tiny blip or a flash of light. Or an obscure country’s military radar. But by the time they caught up to him, he’d be long gone. It took him three days to get my email because he was ‘out of cell phone range’. He is in a hurry to get where he’s going…and he doesn’t even know where he’s going. The crew is as much in the dark as I am.

I must admit, I feel all CIA, trying to connect the dots and piece tiny bits of info together. If I were a suspicious person, I’d acuse Crazy D of deliberately making his whereabouts untraceable. But this is Crazy D. Even when he’s in this city, or even within the walls of our house, he’s hard to find. Maybe Matt Lauer will go on HIS trip soon and give me a fighting chance to find something. I certainly can’t find my son.