I phoned Gill in a panic. “Something awful has happened!” I lamented.
“Easy, Ma. Calm down! How bad can things be? I have a job, I won’t be homeless, my good friend is coming to visit, I sent you some of the money I owe you… Crazy D hasn’t fallen off any cliffs lately and The Pig hasn’t disgraced L’il Sis more than usual. You’re golden!”
“Harrumph…a lot you know! I’ve been wondering why the bird population at my feeder has dropped this fall. Usually, once we get a hint of cool weather, I have to fight them off. Well, yesterday I discovered why. It’s my neighbour, that lovely curly-haired lady on the next block who just retired…you know, the real animal lover. She had to put her beloved dog down a year ago but she still has a horse at a nearby stable. Well, she’s encroaching on my territory! I am supposed to be the crazy Bird Lady of the neighborhood, the Queen of the Feathered Realm. But without telling anyone, she was quietly setting up a Bird B’nB in her yard. You should see it! She’s got different feeding stations all over the yard…each with a different kind of seed. Niger seed for the goldfinches, sunflowers for the chickadees, nuts for the blue jays, some ‘regular’ seed for the sparrows and other finches. She’s stealing all MY birds!”
“Ma! You don’t OWN the bloody birds. They’re fickle. They can be bought easily. I’m sure they’ll return to your yard…eventually. Just don’t put out your Hallowe’en display this year with the crows pecking out the pumpkin brains…”
“Ha, ha! You’re not helping.That’s the best you’ve got? Oh, I KNEW I shouldn’t have tried cutting back on the amount of seed I was putting out. But you should see this other yard. She has all the latest state-of-the-art squirrel resistant feeders. And they’re all way up on poles that actually stay in the ground and don’t wobble! She has lovely flowers all around them and a bird bath…I think I have Feeder Envy. And she even had a Rose-Breasted Grosbeak yesterday! Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen a Grosbeak around here? Years. Not since before The Divorce. Well, that does it! I’m just going to have to up the ante. Back to the specialty seeds I used to buy straight from the mill. Cracked corn all around for the ducks. Suet everywhere. Peanuts to distract the squirrels. Peanut butter stuffed pine cones with sunflower seeds. Hell, next summer I’ll ring the deck with sunflower plants!”
“Woaa, Ma! Back it up…let’s think about this, shall we? You’re always complaining that the birds/squirrels are eating you out of house and home. Now they won’t…and you’ll still have the ‘overflow crowd’ from the neighbour’s feeders. SHE’LL go broke buying seed and you can watch. Plus, just think of all the mess the birds make in the yard. She’ll be the one with random crops sprouting all over her lawn…a lawn which, if I’m not mistaken, you’ve said is pristine. She actually pulls her weeds. Not anymore she won’t…she’ll need a plough to get through her field. Or, here’s a thought, maybe she can bring her horse from the stable to munch on her ‘lawn’. Two birds, one stone, n’est pa? Oops, that was likely in poor taste. I take it back…”
“Hmm, you do have a point. But I do so love watching the antics of the birds. I’ve never been one for coveting other people’s stuff or keeping up with the Joneses, but I admit it. I am coveting her bird feeders. The only one I have now is that old wooden one on the railing. The squirrels used it as a tooth sharpening tool last spring. Side note, I didn’t realize how closely related to beavers they are. The poor feeder looks more like a downscale shanty in a trailer park than a gourmet restaurant.Definitely walk-in rather than reservations. The kind of place you stumble upon when you can’t get into the hot new place in town. Oh, how have i been struck so low?”
“Look on the bright side, Ma. Remember how every winter you have the mourning doves lined up on your deck railing? If I recall, they topped out at 27 one year.They leave so much poop you have to get down and scrape it up (with your kitchen knife) and then sand and repaint the deck. You’re too old to be doing that. Let them crap on someone else’s deck for a change. And while you’re at it, send that motley collection of mallard ducks over there too –including the lame one. She’s just begging to be hawk bait and I’m sure you don’t want to see that. It’s bad enough that the crows dip bird body parts in your bird bath. I don’t know, Ma, the more I think of it, I think maybe your bird watching operation should be shut down. You’re attracting a low class element. Sounds like your neighbour lady knows what she’s doing!”
“You, ungrateful child of mine, are a traitor!”
“Ma, don’t fret. Didn’t I always say I’d take care of you…buy you a nice house when I become rich and famous? This is your time. For Christmas, I’m gonna find you the best bird house/feeder money can buy…well, fifty bucks.”
I agree our feathered friends are fickle but it IS fun watching them. I used to have nice patio deck doors and I loved watching the birds. Gill’s heart is in the right spot but she’s a big girl. Go on, Laurie, enjoy. Ha ha. You’re a hoot.